Down the rabbit hole she goes...

On September 19, Alice in Wonderland became reality.

And you've just had some kind of mushroom

And your mind is moving low

Go ask Alice

I think she'll know

When logic and proportion

Have fallen sloppy dead

And the White Knight is talking backwards

And the Red Queen's off with her head

Remember what the dormouse said

Feed your head

Feed your head

For me, “spiritual deepening” is a journey from the disenchanted world back to what lies hidden behind the high walls of rationality. A long and difficult journey in which psychedelics can be helpful.

I had been curious about “entheogens” for a while, thanks to a friend who has experience with Salvia. I also bought some for myself, but didn't want to go beyond a minimal dose without a trip sitter.

And then I read about remarkable therapeutic results achieved with psilocybin. It sounded almost too good to be true if it could also help deal with the social anxiety that has reared its head occasionally throughout my life.

But it was confirmed time and again. I looked for a trip sitter, found Triptherapie, and on September 19, on the instructions (and with an eye on things) of Marcel, I took the leap into the unimaginable.

For it was unimaginable!
It was not just “stranger” than I could imagine, it was a literally indescribably bizarre experience.

I cannot indicate what happened first and what happened later because time unfolded sideways and retreated to my right, like a wall full of photos.

There were various stages: a network of red dots connected by green lines across my field of vision; calmly breathing patterns of Technicolor colors emerging from the music Marcel was playing; psychedelic colored contours that looked so stereotypically like “Yellow Submarine” that I burst out laughing; an endless space full of pillars covered with icons of Ganesha (the blue Indian elephant god), Aztec eagles, a portrait of a man, a whole lot of mouths with visible teeth; and that vertical wall of time.

Some of those mouths looked malicious, but I felt no fear. I noticed that I could make them change from malicious to friendly by changing my perspective—like a simply drawn smiley mouth changes from happy to angry when you turn it around, although this was more “inside out”.

When that intense stage had passed, the emotions returned. The weather was beautiful and there was a slight breeze, so I saw the birch tree in the neighbors' garden moving. I saw all sorts of things in it, and it was all infinitely precious to me. There was a feeling as if my mind had undergone a major cleanup; everything felt new and fresh.

In the days after the trip, I noticed that something had indeed changed. The burden was gone. I remember the social anxiety and those endlessly rehashed scenarios, but they seem like nothing more than that, a memory. Wonderful.

I don't need to understand how such a bizarre experience could have this result, but I cherish the wonder of it.

When I look back at what I wanted to achieve—spiritual growth and breaking free from fear patterns—I have at least achieved the latter. The rest of the trip was almost completely abstract. But it is also beginning to dawn on me that perhaps both of those goals come down to rediscovering connection.

Still, I might want to go a little deeper at some point, beyond that abstraction. But I will let this sink in properly first.

I was very happy with the calm that Marcel exuded. Perhaps that is why I didn't feel fear for a single second, even though the experience was so bizarre, and why I dared to approach those creepy images of mouths without hesitation.

I also realize now that  Your playlist suited the trip perfectly. Initially, I really wanted to choose the music myself; it does indeed work very differently on a trip. But I was glad I could listen to Messiaen during the coming-down. That was breathtaking.

Thanks for your help, I couldn't have wished for anything better.

Maike