In search of answers with the help of psychedelics

A journey into my subconscious

I had just checked into my studio, which I had booked via Booking, when Marcel rang the doorbell. A few weeks earlier, after I had finished my last project, I had booked a truffle ceremony online, and today was the day it was going to take place. I wanted to listen a bit more to my subconscious and see if I could find some career advice there. After all, I had just turned 40 and decided that this was a good moment to learn something about myself and my future. 

Marcel introduced himself and briefly explained what was about to happen. He asked how I was feeling and went over the answers I had filled out online beforehand in preparation for the day. I asked how 'legal' this was, especially in case things went wrong. He told me that he had been doing this for 5 years and that it was completely legal. In the Netherlands, you are allowed to use all kinds of drugs; you just aren't allowed to sell or possess all of them. However, you are allowed to sell magic truffles, and that was why I was here. Moreover, nothing had ever happened during the 5 years he had been practicing this profession. That reassured me, because I had to admit that I was a tad nervous. I asked him if I couldn't get a higher dose, since there are different levels. After all, I wanted to silence that damn ego of mine for once and experience what it would feel like to no longer be my 'imaginary self' but my 'real' self. Since I had never taken truffles before, he advised against it, so we went for the level below, where you hallucinate and experience the world completely differently, yet still remain your imaginary self. Marcel had brought a tea containing truffles with the active ingredient Psilocybin, diluted with some herbs, vitamins, and extra minerals. It tasted good. We briefly connected his phone to the Bluetooth speaker in the room and chose which style of music I would listen to. He also said that he would be there for me during the session and that if I perceived him as threatening, I could ask him to sit a little further away. While we were doing this, I felt it coming on, and he let me smell mint. I lay down on my bed. Marcel installed a lamp that generated fluorescent colors that changed constantly. He also planned to fill the room with various scents during the trip because these could evoke certain feelings or images. I closed my eyes and set off on my inner journey.

Throughout the entire session, I had a very familiar feeling. I was still myself and could therefore control what happened; Marcel had told me this beforehand, and it turned out to be true. I was in a colorful fluorescent 3D universe (caused by the lamp?) when I closed my eyes, where anything was possible. I felt like I was dreaming yet awake. When I opened them or when the music stopped, it felt as if I was waking up again each time. I consciously kept them closed sometimes because I didn't want this to ever stop. I could feel sad/anxious and happy; I could smell like never before. I saw incredible things, things that belong on a canvas, worthy of being true works of art. I felt like I wanted to know what life on Earth meant, but that I wasn't allowed to know it and certainly wasn't allowed to take it into the 'real' world. In the beginning, I was completely immersed in it, as if I were experiencing it myself. Later, I watched what was happening from a greater distance. It was a blissful feeling. Sometimes the music stopped for a moment, and Marcel tried to ask me questions about the things I wanted to find out during my trip. However, I noticed that I was having trouble finding the right words and struggling with earthly matters. I wasn't on earth and didn't want to concern myself with banal earthly things like a job or my future right now 😉

At a certain moment, I saw my brother and mother crying and felt their sadness, and tried to take it away. It was as if I could remove their sad energy from a distance. 

It felt as if I had been here millions of times already, in this world that I experienced with my eyes closed, as if I went there every night but could now remember it a little better. Although during my trip I was already aware that I wouldn't be able to remember everything or even 'had'(?) to forget it. At a certain moment, I experienced a very blissful feeling when I said that I was going to draw all of this and show it to the people in my real world. And a little later, I told myself that I wasn't 'allowed' to share it after all. I saw a kind of wolf/Native American with 3 or 4 faces merged into one. I found it difficult to think of my wife and children; they were too earthly. I was not in the earthly world. I couldn't think of a job either, or was drawing this unearthly world what I was supposed to do? Discover the artist within myself and share it with the earthly world? 

I could use all my senses and evoke all the feelings I wanted. I felt that everything was right, whatever I did. That I could make my own laws and didn't have to go along with that world with all its rules that make no sense and serve only to serve others or make them rich.

Time did not exist; it felt as if I had already traveled for days, but when I asked about the actual time, only 2.5 hours had passed, and that felt long too, albeit in earthly terms (I know !?!?!?). It is difficult for me to describe in words what I experienced because everything there is so different from Earth, literally as the first sentence of the Tao so beautifully describes it: “The Tao that can be spoken is not the eternal Tao.” Everything I try to describe comes nowhere near what I experienced. Your brain is literally tripping too. During a trip, psilocybin ensures that your default mode network (DMN) in your brain is shut down. This part of your brain can think about the past and the future, and is therefore responsible for your ego, because who are you?; the person you were in the past and what you are going to do in the future, right? As this part becomes less active, other parts of your brain communicate with each other, causing you to experience reality completely differently and creating new brain connections. Brain scans have shown that people who have meditated their entire lives can deactivate this DMN part of the brain. How wonderful it must be to be a Buddhist monk 😉

I also understand that if you have depression, this allows you to let go, because you feel/see different things, gain different perspectives, and experience everything differently as a result. I also have more respect for my body; I now truly feel what I eat and whether it is good/healthy or not. I also wanted to get rid of my sugar addiction because psilocybin could also help cure addictions. I notice that it is currently easier to leave refined sugars alone for a while. I now 'feel' more with my whole body that it is not healthy for me.

I heard Marcel cleaning up and he started chatting with me. We discussed everything I had experienced, and he shared a few things he had gone through during his trips. We said goodbye properly, with a firm hug. He advised me not to go outside yet, and if I did, to pay very close attention, because sometimes you can focus too hard on one thing and miss the rest. I also had to let him know later that evening how I was doing. Which I did, by the way, as I had a severe headache. I think this was because I hadn't been lying on my own pillow during the 5-hour session and had often gotten headaches then. Fortunately, I was allowed to take paracetamol, but they were still in my car. For my safety, I decided not to go get them. So I was definitely clear-headed and not so out of it that I didn't know what I was doing after the session.

In the hours after the session, I was still not quite back to 'normal'. I lived a little slower, very consciously, and fully in the present. When I ate fruit, I felt saliva building up in my mouth; I was aware of everything. The papayas, mangoes, coconut, and pineapple tasted delicious; it was as if I were eating them for the first time. I could look at my own hands for minutes on end, and I saw that my hands seemed smaller than I had always thought and were no longer as strong as they used to be. When I looked in the mirror, I saw that I was redder and saw veins on my forehead (due to high blood pressure?).

I looked at my phone and experienced the screen differently because the light and the letters behaved 'differently'. Or had this always been the case, and had I never really looked? I could see many more details and concentrate on something for a very long time, like a child receiving something new and becoming completely absorbed in it. I was more aware of what I heard and smelled. (Currently, 2 days after the session, this is still the case, but unfortunately already quite a bit less.) For instance, I heard a wicker rack standing in the room creak occasionally on its own, and I was very aware of the ventilation in the bathroom. I also saw, for example, that the background behind your WhatsApp messages moves when you move your phone; I had never noticed that before. I could also keep looking at the 'online' icon under a person's name in WhatsApp as if that were the only thing that existed on earth.

I didn't get clear answers during my session, but I feel excellent and full of self-confidence. It really feels like 'do what you really want to do without caring what others think of it'. I know it sounds cliché, but now you feel that too because you experienced it differently. I am also more empathetic and can put myself in others' shoes better. I feel more. I see more. I live more in the present. I have more respect for the planet and feel very connected to the universe. It is as if you realize that what we make of it as humans is but a tiny fraction in this universe. The universe doesn't need us, so you decide for yourself whether you want humanity to continue to exist and whether we should move to Mars because it has become too hot here. You feel that there is much more than what we are allowed to experience here as humans and that totally different physical laws exist than those we know as humans. Everything is energy, and you experience that firsthand during a session. You feel that time is very relative and our life is but a trifle to the universe and actually means nothing, and so you have everything in your own hands and, above all, need not be afraid. After all, what can happen? Only things your own brain makes you believe.

When I looked a little later at some notes I had jotted down in the past about everything I still wanted to experience and what I still wanted to change about myself, I saw a lot of things that had to do with my ego. I had to laugh out loud. Six hours after one drink, I saw the world differently than before. Who or what do I want to be? I am simply who I am and I simply do what I want. I don't have to worry about what others think of me, and I certainly don't have to write it down. I have to do things because I enjoy them myself, and not because I am then 'better' than before or than others. I do things because I feel them myself at that moment. 

Finally

When you live in the NOW, you are not busy making lists; you do what feels right to you at that moment. Living in the NOW is living very consciously. 

So I consciously chose to write this down and share my adventure because friends and family around me were worried about this session. I can assure you, this session was something I will never forget. 

I also want to thank my wife for allowing me this and for letting me take a break from my family to throw myself into this adventure. There is always the fear of the unknown, but I am convinced that this unknown will lead me to experience many more enriching adventures. And that, after all, is the most beautiful thing there is: being able to learn something new every day. 

"We are all energetic (spiritual) beings having a human experience."

May the Tao be with you!