MDMA trip 1 & 2

I had the last (and 2nd) MDMA trip with Sascha two weeks ago. I forgot to write a review of the first MDMA trip as well, so I am giving a review of my experiences with these trips combined.

After the very first trip Psilocibin with Sascha (see review November 29, 2024, https://tripforum.nl/recensies-sascha/beter-laat-dan-nooit-2/#post-2668 I noticed that a lot had been set in motion, but that I wasn't there yet.
I enjoyed the experience with both Sascha and psychedelics so much that I wanted to have a second session. In a conversation with Sascha, we decided that MDMA would better suit my needs, so MDMA it is.

February 28 MDMA trip 1
Once again I was tense; MDMA is new, I don't know what to expect, and I've only had one trip. That first trip went well, was beautiful and not scary at all (in hindsight), but still, I can't quiet the thoughts in my head.
After taking the MDMA, it is a matter of waiting for the effects. Sascha and I are talking a bit about scientific thinking and things we cannot explain. I mention that, before I took the previous trip, I was much more skeptical about everything I like to categorize as 'woo-woo'. But that, as I get older, I also realize more and more that what we hear, see, smell, etc., is not everything there is, that we are limited in our perceptions. A dog smells better, an owl sees better, etc. So the fact that we cannot perceive this does not mean that it is not there. So the scientific attitude—providing proof equals legitimacy—gave a sense of security but is not always valid. And, as Sascha and I also conclude, it is possible that there is no proof yet, or that we do not know how to investigate these kinds of matters and perhaps an answer will never be found. This also reminds me of a conversation I had with my wife about these kinds of themes. She is quite down-to-earth but feels somewhat the same way: there is more than meets the eye, and just because something isn't proven doesn't mean it doesn't exist or work. Her point of reference is always the effect of paracetamol (she is a pharmacist); it worked, but we didn't know exactly how or why—that was only discovered in the last century. During the previous trip, I felt, saw, and experienced things that cannot be explained rationally. The unconscious is also difficult to explain (though as a social psychologist, I do acknowledge that), just as feelings can be. But for me, that rational attitude is also a protection against feeling too much. Because that goes too deep, and I find it difficult to deal with; it costs me too much energy or causes too much “pain.”.  

Sascha also brought a stone and talks about energies..... And now it gets tricky for me; reason and openness to things are fighting in my head. She indicates that it isn't necessary, but that I can have it if I want to. Ultimately, I think, why not? What harm can it do? If it does nothing, it costs me nothing; if it does yield something for me—through a placebo or something else—then it is nothing but gain. Although I do think… have I become that kind of person now (a dreamer)? But I don't see Sascha that way either… She knows how to combine a scientific attitude (reason) and inexplicable things (feeling?).

I can already feel the MDMA starting to work, feel some sensation in my body and the tension is building up a bit... and then things go “wrong”. The physical sensations in my body feel unpleasant, troublesome. I want to stay in control (which of course isn't possible) and I start to panic and feel nauseous. Once again, Sascha was able to guide me well and calm me down while I was hovering over the toilet. Nothing comes out; I think it's a combination of everything (tension, anxiety, etc.).
I calm down and we do a breathing exercise. I am completely calm again and now enter the trip (with that stone) feeling good, completely relaxed, and pleasant.

I am running into a blockage, though – how do I explain this.... I feel that there is something there, that I need to see something, but it literally feels like I am running into a wall. I can't get past it, over it, or under it; I am stuck. I mention this as well, and Sascha says that I shouldn't force things.
It comes or it doesn't, and maybe this is all this trip is going to give me, and I have learned everything I needed to learn during this trip (referring to the beginning of the trip). So relax, enjoy, and above all, try not to want too much. I let go... and bam, through the blockage! Another beautiful moment in this trip was that I needed Sascha for a moment during the trip. She takes my hand and places her other hand on my shoulder. I calm down and feel a strong, warm, and positive energy flowing through my body, like a kind of loop between her and me. Very vague, very incomprehensible, but very pleasant. The rest of the trip went perfectly well and gave me some more insights and delved a bit deeper into themes that also came up during the Psilocybin trip. After the trip, when Sascha was gone, I had a fine evening and was relaxed. But I did have the feeling that I hadn't seen everything….

The days after the MDMA trip were a bit more intense than the first trip. I was somewhat gloomy (serotonin deficiency) and had a very restless feeling (the feeling that I hadn't seen everything and that there was more to come actually only got stronger).
I did, however, gain a wonderful insight 3 days after the trip! That MDMA works in a slightly different way than the psilocybin.
In the debriefing, I also mention the uneasy feeling to Sascha—that immense restlessness, the feeling that something isn't finished. Otherwise, I am very satisfied with the trip, but this feeling gnaws at me. We conclude that a second MDMA session is not a bad idea and that it could follow a bit sooner than she would normally advise (naturally, within the applicable rules). Unfortunately, there wasn't much room in her and my schedule, so the trip ended up being a bit later than planned.

May 29 MDMA trip 2  
Trip number 3 feels different from the previous two times. I was less tense because I have now had 2 successful trips, know a little bit about how it works, and have gotten so many positive effects out of it. I have also started delving deeper into psychedelics by reading, among other things, the book by Professor David Nutt, Psychedelics, the revolutionary drug that could change your life – a guide from the expert. Nicely scientifically substantiated 😉 and a great overview of various psychedelics and what kind of (positive) effects they (can) have in which situations (depression, PTSD, anxiety, addiction, etc.).
The only tension I felt was, how will it go in the beginning? Will I panic again? I had prepared myself for this a little (a text about fear, our resistance to fear, and if you embrace this and look at what it wants to do, what happens then). Sascha indicated that she was there to help me and she indicated that it didn't have to happen now. But I was sure it would come and, deep down, I hoped for it… to see how I would react this time. After taking the MDMA, it was a matter of waiting for it to take effect, and we were chatting a bit about everything and anything again.
THE stone, not THAT stone (inside joke), came along again too. I had thought about it but hadn't said anything to her; it felt a bit too exaggerated. But she felt that it had to come along anyway. Had it actually done something concrete for me last time? No idea. I didn't feel any energy or anything, like I did from Sascha, but maybe it felt like some kind of mascot?

Whatever else I did on this trip --> TIP! <-- I recorded the session (the sound). The downside of MDMA is that your memory is a bit worse than with Psilocybin, and I lost large parts of the MDMA trip. So I recorded everything, listened back to it later, and wrote everything down. I had forgotten a lot, but almost everything came back after listening to the recording. Anyway, back to the trip!

The MDMA started kicking in and……. No feelings of anxiety, tension, or other unpleasantness, Sascha was right 😉. Because we had taken a slightly higher starting dose than last time, I was right into it immediately. And this trip was fantastic again! Why? Once again, beautiful insights, deepening on 2 of the 3 themes/intentions I had written down beforehand. It felt beautiful, complete, and rounded off (not that restlessness from last time). And this was even before I had listened everything back; this was purely the feeling immediately after the trip. This was the MDMA trip I might have imagined last time but didn't get (which is fine too, of course; there's a learning moment in that as well).
Sascha was very helpful to me this time too, although I didn't remember it all immediately after the trip.
But after listening back to the trip, I heard that she guided me so well, said such beautiful things, and helped me process issues that were at play during the trip. Among other things, not being able or willing to approach everything rationally. Sometimes you heal, or things continue to work through you, without being able to understand them or frame them logically. Not wanting to solve everything with the “head,” and sometimes letting the feeling or your unconscious take its course. Trusting the process, so to speak…. A nice assignment for someone who likes to take control. I talked quite a lot during this trip, and I had also asked her beforehand if she wanted to guide me in this. She indicated that this wasn't strictly necessary, but I really wanted it, also as a kind of analysis for myself. Looking back, I am very happy about that; I can more or less follow the entire trip, what is going on inside me, what I see and feel. And even though I don't have to do anything with it intellectually, it does give me insight and, consequently, a kind of peace.

All in all, this was a very good and pleasant trip, perhaps the deepest in terms of insights. And I think Sascha played an important role in this as well, and I am very grateful to her for that! I am glad that she came into my life and that I met her. She is not only a beautiful person but is also very good as a therapist (for me) (I’ve had plenty, so I think I have some insight into it 😉). What makes her so good is that she has had standard psychological training and knows what she is talking about in that area. But also that she has recently moved a bit more towards the “alternative” side, which can be a nice addition. This, of course, in combination with her psychedelic therapeutic experience, which I think makes her a great all-rounder. But perhaps her strongest asset is that she “senses” well what you need, without it becoming too soft (read: you have to work on your own recovery process, she gives you the tools or steers you in the right direction but doesn't take over). I think she is good with people who are very sensitive / highly sensitive themselves (call it what you will) but are perhaps still finding their way in that (like me). That is perhaps also why I click so well with her, why she feels so safe to me, and why we recognize so much in each other. In our follow-up conversation, I described it as feeling like I belong to a tribe, but that tribe has been broken apart and scattered everywhere. Every now and then I run into one again, and that was with her too. However, she has more experience and wisdom regarding how to handle matters, so she can teach me a lot. Among other things, by listening more to my feelings and letting them guide me more often. But also how I can “protect” myself against too many (negative) stimuli, emotions (of others), and a better balance between reason vs. emotion. Long story short, Sascha is great, and psychedelic sessions are THE discovery and a beautiful revelation for me, after a long time. And all thanks to Netflix and my wife 😊