First MDMA session with Janneke

It was on the advice of my ex that I started looking into MDMA therapy. He thought he noticed that the roots of the problems I experience lie in my childhood and that past events have led me to react in an “abnormal” way in certain situations. I will elaborate on a concise version of my life story to outline where I come from. Additionally, I believe that writing this is part of my therapy and my healing process.

When I was twelve, I was sent to a child psychologist because my parents couldn't understand me. I suffered from temper tantrums, as they put it. The therapist had advised my parents to “just leave her alone for a while,” which resulted in ignoring an emotional child. I remember that before therapy came into my life, I also experienced feelings of loneliness and disconnection—for example, on the playground and even memories going back to preschool—but from the moment my parents stopped paying attention to me, it started haunting my mind. With my minimal knowledge of psychiatric conditions, I thought I was struggling with depressive thoughts. But this hypothesis was incorrect, because my emotions were all over the place. In high school, I started self-harming. There was so much anger inside me and so much self-hatred. Cutting briefly gave me a sense of control and the feeling that this was my body. My father had a major influence on the image I have of myself. He was very critical and judgmental, and if things didn't go his way, he could be both physically and verbally violent. He, too, experienced huge emotional fluctuations.

At eighteen, I underwent cognitive behavioral therapy. A year later, I did another short and unsuccessful therapy with a terrible therapist, and in 2021, intensive schema therapy (both group and individual) after being diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. Borderline personality disorder is a stress-related disorder often associated with a history of adverse and traumatic experiences dating back to childhood. Given the overlaps between PTSD and borderline personality disorder, studies were initiated last year into a potential healing effect of MDMA on borderline personality disorder, following studies on the effect of MDMA on PTSD which proved so promising. The most common long-term result was greater self-awareness and understanding, something I have struggled with my entire life. The research showed that increased openness during an MDMA session can help mitigate the schemas (e.g., black-and-white thinking, alienation, or self-sacrifice) that are common in borderline personality disorder. During the session with Janneke, these schemas completely fell away. Shame, judgment, and fear did not exist. I could talk and be myself without getting blocked or overwhelmed by emotions or fears, and for the first time, I felt truly free. I talked for six hours! This shy girl clearly had something to say, and Janneke provided a safe space and guidance. I felt warm, loved, empathetic, socially engaged, connected, calm, and open. I could talk about events that have deeply damaged me, and I even shared things with her that I haven't told anyone else. I sincerely believe that MDMA temporarily reorganizes the attachment structures and defense mechanisms that perpetuate borderline personality disorder symptoms. The filters that constantly “protect” me fell away, and I was able to feel an intense and deep connection with Janneke like I have never experienced before in my life. I could not comprehend what an indescribably valuable and powerful feeling that was.

The hours flew by, and after six hours, Janneke got ready to go. Because I felt so connected to her, I had become attached to her and found it difficult to see her leave. Even during the session, when she went to the toilet for a moment, I felt loneliness and a slight sense of abandonment, but the MDMA pulled me out of these feelings quite quickly. After the session, a fear of losing that warm feeling surfaced, and I carried this fear with me for about three days. The “Tuesday slump” hit me hard, and I was not sufficiently prepared for it. Now, two weeks later, I feel light, open, calm, and clear. I have a better self-image and feel at peace in my daily activities. For the first time in years, I have felt stable for days; not too happy, not too gloomy, not chaotic, but content. Triptherapie has opened a door for me to psychedelics as a healing tool, and I am curious about what else it will bring me.