Had two MDMA sessions

Secretly, of course, I was hoping for the quick fix again, the red pill (literally). Finally being delivered from all the darkness/misery within myself. And all by taking a pill and fighting for just 6 hours. I certainly fought; I am not healed, but I have learned a lot about myself. 

Session 1 with Ronald
Nerve-wracking, but it felt good very quickly with Ronald on the day of the meeting. We also had a nice introduction beforehand and were provided with all the necessary information. "Drugs" aren't entirely new to me, so I had certain expectations. Feeling love and healing was indeed the expectation. It started for me quite soon after ingestion, about 20 minutes in. It began with anxiety, and thanks to the good guidance of Ronald, I slowly arrived where I needed to be. The inner critic eventually stopped, and then came extreme anger. Anger I didn't even know I had inside me or that existed. It was primarily somatic. Deleted link It seemed as if my body finally had the space and safety to feel what had been locked up inside for so long. If I had seen myself "sober," I would have been truly shocked. I can't describe it better than like a wild animal. Yet, at the moment, this felt like what had to happen. I understand that this is quite exceptional—that somatic/physical aspect, that is. Normally, it works a bit "gentler.".

Moments of anger alternated with moments with my inner child. It truly felt like a journey; this felt special and wonderful. In the days following the session, I also felt a constant urge to reconnect, which I was able to do through calming music. I was shocked by the state of this part of me, though. Here too, I think it took at least two hours just to make contact. It went from being completely broken and fully dissociated to at least being together. There wasn't much contact yet, but a start had been made, so that felt great. Secretly, I hoped here again that I would finally be healed, yet I think I still need to go back for that. The beginning has been made... 

I have to say that it took me a few weeks to recover after session 1. It was a real workout, both physically and emotionally. The anger, in particular, was very extreme and quite frightening, especially when the safe feeling from the MDMA wore off. You do start to worry then and try to control it. 

All in all, an interesting session. Totally unexpected, but very special. Truly a journey where I connected with parts of myself that were tucked away very deep. As I write this, I’m certainly getting excited about it again 😝. I must say that only now, looking back (3 months later), do I realize everything I went through. After the session, I was very lost, and the fear of anger and the "wild animal" took over.

Session 2 with Janneke
The reason I chose Janneke for a second session was that it felt so safe during the intake and she also supported me well after the first session. I felt that I needed to do this with her. I was also curious to see what a female dynamic would change or add.

Secretly, I hoped for healing again during this session. I had certain expectations after session 1. 

The session started, in any case, with sadness and much love for my mother and "images" of her from the past. I felt super happy and thought, finally. It seemed as though a certain anger inside me couldn't allow this yet; it was directed at my mother. The anger took over again, the wild animal was back, and this lasted for almost the entire session. Some other issues also came up, but unfortunately no inner child. I secretly hoped here again that I would be allowed to finish what had started in session 1. For some reason, I can recall this session less clearly than the first session. The session flew by, and afterwards I didn't really know what to do with it. I am still a bit searching, but I received answers/clarity here as well. 

Janneke made me feel completely safe, at least. She also did everything she could to help me. My biggest problem stemmed from an extremely toxic relationship with my mother. Perhaps things went differently this time because the practitioner is a woman. I also felt much more connected with Janneke than with Ronald. With Ronald, it was more of an inner journey I walked alone, whereas with Janneke, it felt more like fighting together. The feeling that good people still exist (women, that is) and that I cannot or do not have to do it alone. It sounds really valuable now that I write this. 

The session felt less groundbreaking than session 1. I somehow didn't get as deeply into my journey. Still, I believe that MDMA or other psychedelics give you what you need at that moment. Apparently, I had to deal with this at that time. 

What now?

No quick fix, but great steps and a special journey. I do notice that I get in touch with my feelings much more easily, without dissociating or shutting down. I am still in therapy, and he really notices a difference after the MDMA sessions too. I'm not there yet, but I'm getting a little closer all the time.

In any case, I wouldn't have wanted to miss the trip for the world. However, I am waiting a little while before the next session, because I need some rest. It is no small thing, or at least in my case, it was no small thing. I have no idea how it turns out for others. 

Triptherapie offers perfect guidance in any case. Thanks for this and see you in a few weeks.