MDMA session/traumas with Marcel

After an initial quiet conversation with Marcel, my MDMA session began. After about 45 minutes, there were mild hallucinatory images with my eyes closed; this lasted briefly.

Then I felt nauseous, and after that passed, an enormous fatigue came over me. That transitioned into resting, to which I could and dared to surrender.

Not the feelings of happiness, euphoria, or the need to talk that MDMA is also known for, but more a kind of state with few thoughts, and if there were any (unconsciously), I wasn't 'bothered' by them. For someone who is always 'on,' that was very valuable.

Although I only became aware of that after the session.

The fact that MDMA had this effect on me (an upper that worked in reverse) was a kind of confirmation that things affect me differently and that I therefore deal with them differently as well. Strangely enough, that brought a bit of peace but also raised questions for myself. I felt very safe during the session, not only because of the effect of the substance but certainly also because of the calm atmosphere and, above all, the reassuring, caring, and expert presence of Marcel.

I couldn't manage to talk about things (yet), but maybe I wasn't ready for that yet either.

I find it difficult to pinpoint exactly what the session did. They are subtle things. What it gave me that day was very valuable. Since then, I have slept somewhat better for my standards and experienced less intense anxiety. Hopefully, that remains the case (for as long as possible). I also try to put less pressure on myself so that I have more energy left to deal with things.

I now like to look back on the peace I felt and the sense of trust and reassurance from Marcel and Janneke.

Thank you! Also for the lovely messages and expert advice!