MDMA session 2, 05-06-24

I can/have to do it again! 

It was time for my second Ronald session. I’d had my first one in February, which I’d found absolutely brilliant. I’d gained a huge amount of insight and been able to find some peace. But for the past few weeks, I’d been feeling very restless, with chaos in my head and a lot of tension in my body. I had a short fuse and was quite on edge. I took the plunge and booked an appointment straight away. I was able to get in within a week. That was great, because I felt I really needed to sort this out before the holidays! 

Whilst the first session was mainly about exploration, I now really wanted to tackle my PTSD. After years of therapy, including a lot of EMDR, I really felt that everything was still buried very deep inside. Yes, the treatments had taken the edge off it. I could talk about it reasonably well without immediately getting overwhelmed by emotions, but it was still there. And I wanted it gone. 
Together with Ronald, I opted for a different/stronger dose and kept a booster to hand just in case. Blimey, what a different experience this was! 
Whereas the first time I was mainly doing everything ‘on my own’ and was very withdrawn, this time I was very vocal and seeking support. Ronald was there at exactly the right moments! The same went for the booster. I don’t know how he sensed that I needed it, but he really did provide it at exactly the right moment. This time, I didn’t find it brilliant at all! I found it really tough and intense. But I did feel that it was absolutely necessary. Fortunately, I wasn’t anxious. But in my head, I was locked in a fierce battle against something very dark. I kept drifting in and out of focus, searching for the right music, snapping back to ‘awake’ mode and cracking jokes. All my ‘guardians’ were doing everything they could to keep me on track with what I actually wanted to do. But the booster gave me just that extra push so that my ‘guardians’ could no longer hold me back. 
After the session had finished, the MDMA continued to have an effect for a while. I was still restless and felt as though I was still in a sort of ‘fight’ mode. Lots of adrenaline. I was incredibly ‘wired’, as I’ve been for years, but now just that little bit more so. 
I hardly slept that night, and the next day it took a while before I felt confident enough to drive home myself. I was glad I had a place where I didn’t have to check out by a certain time. 

The Saturday after that session, a whole lot of emotional turmoil came flooding out. I didn’t know what was happening to me. I felt very restless, angry and sad. And there I was at home with my husband and my little one. Neither of them understood what on earth was going on. I just couldn’t take it any more. I rang Ronald in tears. I was able to talk through my feelings properly, and afterwards I was given the advice to let this awful feeling leave my body physically, in a safe place and in a safe way. Because this feeling crept in years ago and you’ve kept it bottled up all this time; if you push it away again now, all your hard work will have been for nothing. 
So… I rang the helplines. And I found this really difficult, because I was so used to just bottling everything up, pretending I could handle it all on my own, and so on. I’m convinced that this was something I needed to learn through this session too. You have to do it yourself, but you don’t have to do it alone! Because once I’d contacted the helplines – and they were all really there for me! – I already felt a lot calmer. I was able to physically let go of the last bits of tension by letting off steam on a punching bag and an obstacle course. And then I was completely drained. Physically and mentally. I decided to end the day on as positive a note as possible and sought relaxation in the sauna. Warmth and tranquillity. It worked perfectly for me. The next day, I went for a long walk in the countryside to recharge. And ever since then, I’ve really felt as though something truly ugly has left me! That all of this was genuinely necessary to carry out a major clear-out and say a definitive goodbye to something intense, which I’d been holding on to for years simply because, at least, I was familiar with that ugliness. That ugly thing that had triggered all those defences within me and which never switched off. Those defences are still there. But they’re more balanced now. Now it’s up to me to keep it that way, and I’m confident I can do it. 

A week later, Ronald asked me: ‘Anne, you wrote a review last time – what would you write differently this time?’  
This was a really good question for me, because the support was brilliant once again, so what else could be improved? The experience was absolutely brilliant and I was full of positive energy. 
Well… next time I’d make sure I had more space.  A longer break in the ‘afterwards’ bit. I had one day to myself after the session, and then it was back to looking after my little girl. Looking back, I really did need more time to recover. To recharge without the energy of other people around me. 

So here’s a tip (a session like that is hard work anyway). Give yourself time to recharge afterwards and try to work out in advance what helps you. For me, nothing works quite as well as time and being out in nature. 
Keep a little diary where you can write down how you’re feeling, how you slept and what you’ve been up to. Ronald also recommends this, and it really does work! 

For the first two weeks after the session, I kept thinking: ‘This is the last one! I don’t want to do it again.’ But now I’ve reached the point where I can really see the value of this session. It really wasn’t much fun, but it was so very necessary! And this session has brought me so much again!