MDMA therapy with Ronald

I am writing this review following my MDMA therapy with Ronald on July 7th.

I want to start this review by describing my
background, followed by my experience during the session and, concluding, the experiences and integration during the first week after the first session.

I arrived at the possibility of MDMA therapy because I have suffered from severe mood swings for more than 20 years (I am now 42). Due to triggers, I can get lost in a swamp of anxiety, panic, negative thoughts, and existential fears. When such an episode occurs, there is an immediate reaction to seek a solution or at least to understand what is happening. Essentially, a reaction from the ego towards control and the desire to understand and manage it.

That quest to want to understand my internal problems often also turned into wanting to understand life.

That quest has led me from more conventional therapies to very alternative therapies. It also led me to diverse ways of life and perspectives where the many forms of non-duality often crossed my path.

Actually, none of these therapies or perspectives really moved me forward. There have been many periods of relative calm in my life, but triggers could easily throw me off balance again and plunge me into deep fear.

In my search for a solution, I also followed the developments regarding psychedelic substances for the relief or deliverance from depression and anxiety. It felt like something good to have in reserve for the future. However, I found the step to doing it myself right now too big to take.

This changed not long ago when I plunged very deep into anxiety and it was severely affecting my daily functioning. As a father of two young children, I knew I had to do something. However, it wasn't clear to me which leap to take. I felt as if nothing could help. At that moment, I made the decision to truly face what was going on inside me, at all costs. I seemed ready to take the leap.

Due to the good clinical trial results with MDMA and my own experiences with this substance in nightlife when I was much younger, I became increasingly convinced that this was the step I had to take. With this decision, a tremendous amount of fear surfaced because I had read a lot about the experience and, as a control freak, I was very afraid that this might also deliver the final blow into the very mental abyss I feared.

However, I had decided to take the jump, whatever the outcome might be, so I knew I had to persevere.

I came into contact with Ronald through Googling, and everything really accelerated. I first found information about IFS (Internal Family Systems) online, and much of this form of therapy/worldview resonated with my life experiences. It truly felt to me that when I get triggered, a very anxious child takes over (something explained by IFS).

However, I am very skeptical about all theories. There are so many viewpoints and wise people who are convinced they have figured out the whole of life; however, many of these theories are often diametrically opposed to one another. As long as these theories are not my lived experience, I have found that it all remains stuck in the mental plane without adding any value to my life. And then MDMA therapy came into the picture.

On the day of therapy, I was incredibly anxious. This could be the day I lost all control. On the day itself, my only goal was to survive it 🙂

Ronald has a very calm energy and does not impose its viewpoint on anyone in any way. Something I found very pleasant. I took the substance and we started preparing for the effects. We set my intention (to feel safe within myself and in the world).

I will keep the session itself as short as possible because I expect that every process is very personal and my experience may be completely different from anyone else's.

Once the effects of MDMA began to kick in, I was confronted with all my deepest fears. I experienced it as being attacked. And I was convinced that I had made the worst choice of my life by entering into this session. However, after a short period, I completely broke through the fear and landed in a field of peace and love. I thought I had learned my lesson (after the fear, paranoia, and need for control lies not the abyss, but peace)... But this turned out to be just the beginning.

In the remainder of the session, it became completely clear to me that I have completely neglected and rejected parts of myself, and the theory of IFS came fully to life in my experience in a way that leaves no room for doubt. This became a lived experience rather than a mental conviction or belief.

For the first time, I experienced clarity about what I needed to do and what path lay ahead for me, and I felt so much enthusiasm about it. As I stated to Ronald during the session, this was not the trip; life was the greatest trip of all.

My conclusions regarding MDMA in a therapeutic setting are that it is a very safe and supportive dive into your own psyche/subconscious. And without wanting to sound too New Agey, a version of yourself seems to take over that knows exactly where to go in the subconscious and bring it to the light.

I experience MDMA therapy as a magic medicine, BUT not as a miracle pill. It has shown me what is out of balance within me, but at the same time, that all the tools are available to integrate this. And for the first time, I am looking forward to this journey. The fear of the unknown has diminished significantly, and self-confidence has taken its place. Looking forward to the journey—I never dared to dream of this.

It doesn't mean that I'm not allowed to feel anxious, but rather, at this moment, it means more strongly that everything is allowed to be there (however cliché this may sound). It also seems that a lot of baggage has already fallen away and there is more internal balance.

My unhealthy need for control also seems to have largely disappeared. I am going through a turbulent period on a relational level, but there is surrender and strength within me for whatever may come. It is what it must be, and I deal with everything as it comes.

So it seems that my intention (safety within myself and the world) has turned out well.

I am loosely working a lot on the insights and integration of things that have been revealed to me, all amidst normal life.

I am very grateful to Ronald for being by my side during this process and for serving as a sounding board. Ultimately, everyone knows what they need to do, and the MDMA session certainly clarifies a lot. Still, it is nice to be able to share things and receive feedback.

I will certainly do another 1 or 2 sessions when I feel that the insights have been integrated, and instead of with great fear, I now look forward to it with great enthusiasm, whatever may reveal itself.

During the session, it already became very clear to me that Ronald is truly the right person to support these experiences, and this has been fully confirmed through contact after the session. 

Thanks again for the good care Ronald!