Topic starter 26 May 2023 10:42
I am a 53-year-old woman with childhood trauma caused by psychological abuse and emotional neglect by my mother. After years of repressing my childhood trauma, I relived it through a relationship with a narcissistic man. Despite therapy at a mental health center and spiritual development, I kept repeating my pattern by falling for the wrong man again and staying in this toxic relationship for too long; his manipulations, control, verbal aggression, and jealousy had completely broken me. One thing became very clear to me through this: to avoid ending up in a narcissistic relationship again, I had to face the fact that I had not yet properly processed my childhood trauma. I underwent regression hypnotherapy and followed the path of spiritual development. Although I made progress, I kept relapsing into periods of deep despair and heartbreak; my self-hatred ran rampant, and I had completely lost my personality in the relationship. Rationally, I knew very well that my emotional pain had nothing to do with my ex; it was my childhood trauma that wanted to drive me back to this unsafe relationship. I had to find a way to get to the root of my pain in order to heal myself. At one point, I saw a program about MDMA therapy, and I immediately felt that this could help me. I started doing some research and eventually came into contact with Ronald.
The homework beforehand and setting intentions proved to be very valuable tools during the session. If I had questions, I could call or text him. This preparation and the pleasant contact with Ronald ensured that I entered the session with confidence and healthy tension. It took a while for the MDMA to start working, and then in an instant, I entered my trip. First, I went back to the trauma family and saw the consequences, but immediately felt that I had no business being there anymore. I had to keep searching for my little girl. She lay completely hidden away in a dark cave; feeling and seeing her darkness, fear, sadness, and loneliness was actually too intense to experience, but thanks to the warm wave of compassion that flowed through me, I was able to bear the pain and feel nothing but love, warmth, and understanding for my little girl. My self-hatred was suddenly transformed into self-love; yet, it took 1.5 hours to rescue my little girl from her dark, gloomy cave, so damaged was she. Now I understood why all the therapies had not brought me the desired healing; my damage ran so deep. Without MDMA, I would never have been able to reach my little girl.
In the first period after the session, I felt like I was in two worlds; emotionally, I had transitioned from my old world (self-hatred) to my new world (self-love), but I did not yet have all the tools for this new world. How was I to care for my damaged inner child now that my survival and defense mechanisms had been wiped away by the MDMA session and I was approaching situations from a place of self-love? The session was now five months ago; I am still amazed by the positive impact and feel that the process is still evolving. A beautiful example from my process is that, thanks to the MDMA, I was able to work on my childhood trauma and embrace self-love. This gave me the space to say goodbye to my mother with compassion and in deep connection when she passed away a month ago. This feels like a gift I never dared to dream of.
I am grateful to Ronald for his guidance before, during, and after the session. I hope that Ronald may guide many more people with trauma into a world of self-love.